


Zanna Don't

by Eyes_of_a_Tragedy, mugglerock



Series: Destiel Advent Calendar 2019 [18]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Comedy, Crack, F/M, Fuck Yeah We Brought Back Zanna, Hilarious Props, M/M, Made Up Zanna Lore, Merry Crackmas, Or should they?, Silly Holiday Fic, Winchesters Should Stick to World Saving, You Decide, you’re welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21868867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eyes_of_a_Tragedy/pseuds/Eyes_of_a_Tragedy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mugglerock/pseuds/mugglerock
Summary: It’s Christmas time and Zanna need the Winchesters’ help again. What could possibly go wrong?
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy & Sam Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Series: Destiel Advent Calendar 2019 [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1558915
Comments: 26
Kudos: 68





	Zanna Don't

**Author's Note:**

> **Frankie here:** Welp, so we’re liars, and apparently can write non-angsty shit without our fluffers. Sue us.
> 
>  **Trex here:** We just prefer the angst?
> 
>  **Frankie here:** Ngl, I love writing comedy too. Also, seeing as any and ruk accuse us of being demons all the damn time, figured we’d throw y’all through a loop. We aren’t JUST demons, Any. :p
> 
>  **Trex here:** I mean, does she really get to accuse us of that now that she's eating our cookies? *throws crumbs at a murdering murderer* #stillcrying
> 
>  **Frankie here:** True story. Anyway, I genuinely hope y’all enjoy this. It was a fucking blast to write, and borderline crack, while still canon compliant. I would give my nonexistent soul to see an episode like this lolol. 
> 
> **Trex here:** Yes!!! I needs it, precious! *hysterical Gollum laughter* Man, I hope you all have as much fun reading this as we did writing it. And thank Frankie for the idea! She's brilliant!
> 
>  **Frankie here:** Hush your face, you wrote this too, dork. Anyway, merry holidays, y’all. Enjoy the weird!
> 
>  **Trex here:** Fun rumor: 'dork' is a colloquial term for a whale's penis. Merry Crackmas, everybody! (Phrasing courtesy of my PIC)
> 
>  **Frankie here:** Who WAS Dean this time. ;)
> 
> **This work of fiction is subject to copyright, and I do not consent to it being reposted, uploaded to any site other than Ao3, or used for monetary gain without my written consent.**

**Day 20 - Zanna Don’t**

When Dean walked into the kitchen to find a mountain of disgusting sweet/savory hybrid creations that only a child could conceive, he let out a soft groan as he made his way to the coffee pot. “Sam’s weird imaginary friend, you can come out now.”

Not a moment later, the dweeb with the rainbow suspenders appeared with a bright smile, right in front of Dean. 

Dean startled and pushed the guy out of his way. “Don’t do that!”

Before the guy could respond, Sam stumbled into the kitchen, hair rivaling Cas’s for gravity defiance, and clearly confused. “Sully?”

_ Sully! That was the guy’s name!  _

Sully’s smile somehow brightened, and Dean had not consumed enough caffeine to make that alright yet. “Sam!”

His brother nearly got tackled by the force of the Zanna's hug. "Hey, Sully. Not that it's not good to see you... but  _ why  _ am I seeing you?"

Sully’s expression went from excited to serious. Not that Dean really could take a grown man in rainbow suspenders and glitter stars on his t-shirt seriously… “We need your help!”

As Dean dumped an extra scoop of grinds into the filter handle for Eileen’s benefit – she was more of a beast in the morning than Dean – he flipped the switch on and said, “Another Zanna murder spree?”

“No!” Sully gasped out, sounding like some sort of offended southern belle from the 1800’s. “No, we… It’s almost Christmas, and Hanukkah just started, and Kwanzaa is coming too, and... and there are  _ a lot  _ of children in need of comfort this season.” 

Sam and Dean exchanged a glance, before Sam subtly said, "Sully, I'm good now. You don't have to watch over me anymore. If you're just dropping by to say hi, though, you're more than welcome."

Sully actually rolled his eyes, and Dean hid his chuckle behind his hand as he started making everyone’s coffee how they liked it.

“I wasn’t talking about you, Sam. I know you’re happy,” Sully replied with an actual twinkle in his eye.

"Oh, okay," Sam fumbled. "Well, then why exactly are you here?"

“Like I said… there are a lot of children in need of comfort, of one of us, this season.”

Dean furrowed his brow, inhaling the fumes of his coffee before he asked, “You said you need our help?”

Sully nodded emphatically. “Exactly.”

Dean shook his head, eyes widening in dumbfounded awe as he made eye contact with Sam. 

Sam looked only slightly less confused. "Sully, are you saying you want us to help you with the kids?"

An enormous bright pink and purple sequined duffel bag appeared out of nowhere, and Sully dropped it onto the table, destroying the platters of insane stoner food. “Could you? Oh, Sam, it would really help us out of a real bind and…”

Dean took a step forward. “Whoa, whoa, slow your roll, man. What the hell could we possibly do?”

Sully’s eyes widened in excitement as he pulled out an oversized pair of stuffed moose antlers. “I’m so glad you asked!”

**##ZannaDon’t##**

Sam couldn't believe this. How did he get roped into this again? Oh, yeah.  _ Sully _ . Apparently, his childhood friend had decided three hunters and an angel were a good substitute for the Zanna who'd been lost. He'd agreed out of gratitude for all of the times Sully had been there for him, and also out of guilt for not having been able to save some of Sully's friends.

So, here he was, wearing a pair of stuffed moose antlers that bestowed some kind of mystical Zanna powers on him. The little girl two houses ago had hung little ornaments and tinsel on the prongs, so now he was a walking billboard for holiday spirit.

The kid he was currently befriending was an eight-year-old named Cory, who had squealed with delight when Sam appeared in his room.

"You're a reindeer! Where's your red nose?"

Rather than fight it, and possibly disappoint the kid, Sam mojo'd himself a blinky red bulb on the end of his nose. "Better?"

"Yeah, now you're fixed." Cory grinned, latching onto Sam's right leg. It unbalanced him, and he stumbled, quickly stepping on a Lego  _ (note to self: keep shoes on at future houses, courtesy be dammed) _ and breathing heavily through his nose in an effort not to scream bloody murder.

With a long, muffled curse, he wobbled his way to Cory's bed, right leg dragging a child-shaped weight. He plopped down on the twin mattress and felt it give underneath him as the support beam cracked, and he knocked his head against the wall.

Cory cackled in glee at Sam's misfortune, but then his face morphed to one of fear. "Oh, no. My grams is going to be so mad you broke my bed."

_ Well, crap. _ Sam started to flop his way out of the cavern created in the wake of his clumsiness, accidentally kneeing Cory in the cheek, making the boy sob, eyes beginning to tear up.

"Oh, shit, no, um, damn…" Sam took a deep breath and grabbed the boy under the arms, pulling him on top of him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm just big."

He turned the kid's face to the side, gently touching the already bruising area. "Man, I wish my friend Cas was here. He could just touch your cheek and make this all better."

Cory made a phone with his thumb and pinkie, and held it to Sam's head. "Call him," he mumbled, bottom lip trembling.

Sam spoke into Cory's finger, "Um, hey, Cas, I could use a little help here." He paused, furrowing his brow, and held his index finger up to his lips. Nodding, he continued, "Uh huh… so I just draw a smiley face on the bruise and… okay, yeah, I can do that." Glancing at Cory, he winked and gave him a thumbs up. "Thanks, Cas. I'll give it a shot."

He grabbed the boy's phone-hand and folded the thumb and pinkie to end the call, making the kid giggle.

Snapping his fingers, he manifested a glittery red pen and scribbled a happy face on Cory's cheek. "There, all better!"

Cory scrambled off of him, running to the full-length mirror on the back of his door. As he turned back to Sam, the grin on his face was a thing of sheer happiness. He crawled back on top of Sam's chest and grabbed for the pen. "Gimme!"

Only slightly scared, Sam relinquished the writing utensil and froze as he felt a small hand tilt his head to one side, then the other, glitter gel scrolling over his face. Cory learned back, tongue between his teeth, surveying his work. With one last flourish, he pronounced "Wa-la" with gusto and gestured to the mirror.

Sam struggled his way out of the bed cave and squatted in front of the mirror. He fell backwards in horror at the clown mask the little terror had drawn on his face.

This night could not be over fast enough.

**##ZannaDon’t##**

When Eileen had been handed the hot pink tutu, she refrained from rolling her eyes. Although, it was probably clear from her expression how annoyed she was that the token she had been given was so… not her. Sam signed  _ “cute.” _ She flipped him off.

After folding the tutu in half she pulled it up over her jeans to her thigh. A makeshift garter belt was better than the alternative. 

Her first kid was a ten-year-old girl by the name of Veronica Campbell. Living in a suburb of Chicago, Deaf and born to hearing parents, they couldn’t afford to send her to one of the specialized schools. She was stuck having to navigate a public school. Which also meant she had to put up with being bullied.

Veronica was hunched over a little desk in the corner of her room, reading by the lamplight. Eileen approached from the side, hoping to gain her attention before she scared the crap out of the poor thing. She should have known better; when she was within reach, Veronica swung her legs around to kick out at Eileen.

There was almost no coordination. Eileen scoffed and signed,  _ That was pathetic. _

Veronica’s eyes lit up.  _ You sign? _

Eileen signed  _ yes  _ with a nod before she moved to sit on the girl’s bed.  _ You don’t get to sign much? _

_ I go to a hearing school. My mom and Michelle, my interpreter, are the only people who sign.  _ Veronica looked Eileen up and down.  _ Who are you? _

Eileen finger spelled her name before giving Veronica her name-sign.

The kid rolled her eyes and signed,  _ I mean why are you here? _

For some reason, the kid was starting to grow on Eileen. She smiled and said as she signed, “I’m here to help you.”

_ How?  _ Veronica returned.

Eileen hadn’t thought that far ahead. She looked around Veronica’s room, trying to figure out what she could possibly do to help, when it clicked. She smiled and moved to stand up.  _ Like I told you, that kick was pathetic. I can teach you how to fight.  _ Eileen added a few extra punches for emphasis.

Veronica appeared contemplative for a moment before she signed,  _ Can you show me how to fight like Matt Hamill? _

Eileen smirked and nodded for Veronica to stand up.  _ Hell yes, I can. _

**##ZannaDon’t##**

The home of Tony and Tina Stratton appeared – to outsiders perhaps – to be one full of love and happiness. Their family Christmas cards were lovely. However, the children currently under his charge were sadly aware of the fact that their parents paid them little mind – quite frequently leaving them with babysitters for hours on end, in order to attend business functions or social events.

They were lonely children, but at least they had each other.

"Dean, I don't know what to do," Cas spewed into his phone, trying to disguise the panic in his voice. "They're twins; one of them thinks I'm 'shifty', and the other keeps saying she is Groot. She is not Groot, Dean. But when I try to explain to her that Groot is another species, and she is human, she just repeats that she is Groot."

Instead of saying anything, all Cas heard from Dean was raucous laughter. It didn’t stop for several minutes.

Cas huffed in disgust and rolled his eyes. "That was extremely unhelpful, Dean." He hung up the phone and turned to the children currently running amok in the backyard. Perhaps if he organized some kind of game?

Moving swiftly towards them, he growled in resentment at the iridescent purple wings strapped over his shoulders. They were a crinkly material that made the most cacophonous sound in the wind. It was extremely offensive, given the music his real wings made when he soared the skies.

When Sully – whom Castiel was half-convinced was not, in fact, a Zanna, but a trickster – handed him the wings, Castiel had looked at them in horror. Then he had heard choking behind him, and turned to see Dean doubled over with laughter. When his partner finally righted himself, Cas shot him a death glare and quirked his eyebrow. "I assume you would like to engage in sexual intercourse again at some point this year?" Dean's whimper and following silence was all the answer he needed.

The young boy currently scrutinizing Cas's actions had a stuffed bee in his hands. Inspiration struck.

"How would you both like to make dessert for your mother?" he asked, edging slowly closer.

"I am Groot," came from his left.

"For the seventeenth time, you are not Groot. Your name is Tina, according to the dossier I was given. You are five years old, and clearly of the species homosapiens, though I am seriously debating your level of intelligence at the moment."

"What kind of dessert?" asked Tony, a suspicious look on his face.

Brow furrowed, Castiel paused. He hadn't thought that far ahead. "We should go see what you have in your kitchen."

Tina ran to the back door of the house, giggling the entire way. Tony warily looked at him, then followed his sister. Castiel sighed, trudging behind.

He quickly realized he knew nothing about cooking food. It was all molecules to him. The children had gathered a variety of foods on the large butcherblock island. He didn't know of any dessert that required yellow mustard, but he also wasn't an expert on the subject.

There was a large mixing bowl between the two children, and they were randomly adding items. He watched in curiosity as Tina dumped a bag of gummy worms on top of the peanut butter Tony had just scooped into the bowl. The crude sound of honey being squirted out of its bottle made the twins laugh hysterically.

Tina stuck her hands in the growing pile of ingredients, mixing them together. "I am Groot!" she squealed, as Tony poured in some kind of cereal with pastel colored marshmallows.

"What are you making?" he asked, mildly horrified.

"It's candy pie," Tony answered with obvious disdain. "Don't you know anything?"

Squinting, Castiel took a picture of the mixture with his phone and quickly texted it to Dean. "I'm fairly certain that isn't actually a pie, but I'm consulting an expert to be sure."

"Why are you such a robot?" Tony asked.

"I'm not a robot. I'm an angel," he responded frankly.

"Liar, you are not. Angels are babies with bird wings." The boy pointed at Castiel's stupid Zanna token and said, "You look like Tinkerbell. But a boy. You're Tinkerboy."

Castiel was sputtering a response when his phone pinged, indicating an incoming text. There was a vomiting emoji, followed by

**_Dean: I don't know what the hell that is cas but it's not pie_ **

"My expert assures me that is not pie."

"Your expert is dumb. Who is it, anyway?"

"Dean is my–" Was it okay for him to tell these children about his boyfriend? He didn't know what the proper protocol was for this situation.

He pulled up Dean's phone number and hit call. "How young is too young to explain homosexuality to children?"

There was a choked out, "What?" on the other end of the line, as Castiel stared at the twins who were now throwing candy not-pie at each other.

"Dean, I don't think I can do this much longer. Please help."

Dean chuckled and said, “Babe, just let kids be kids and make sure they don’t kill themselves. You’ll be fine.”

Castiel's chest tightened at Dean's advice, and he surveyed the kitchen for sharp objects the twins could injure themselves with. Children were definitely the scariest humans he'd ever faced.

**##ZannaDon’t##**

“Babe, just let kids be kids and make sure they don’t kill themselves. You’ll be fine.” Dean hung up and pocketed his phone before turning back to the kid. Sully had given him a dossier, but they were all basically the same. A kid with some generic name scared of something. He didn’t remember a single name, but so far he’d been getting away with calling them all “Sparky.”

Dean was with Sparky number four when he’d gotten the damn adorable call for help from Cas. Goddamn, he loved that angel. 

He cleared his throat and pulled one of the fluorescent colored strings from the ripped sleeve of the rainbow, sparkle, plaid shirt Sully had given him. Dean made a mental note to deck the guy later and said to the kid, “Sorry about that, Sparky. What were you saying?”

The kid, he looked maybe seven or eight. At least, he was pretty sure that’s how big seven/eight year olds were. His lip wobbled as he said, “Monster… under my bed.”

He was unable to hold back the laugh. At Sparky Four’s annoyed expression, Dean waved his hand and said, “I’m sorry. I’m not tryin’ to be a dick. It’s just… no monsters live under beds. The only time we got close to it was because a couple of ghouls got a taste for living bodies.”

Sparky Four just stared at Dean in absolute silence, eyes wide and mouth agape.

Dean waved him off as he sat on the kid’s dresser. “Ghouls only eat dead bodies, and we killed the assholes who didn’t play by the rules, so you’re safe.”

As the kid just continued to stare at him, Dean shrugged and said, “No, if there are monsters in your house they’re either a ghost or poltergeist, and no amount of blanket could keep you safe. But salt could. If your parents have iron fire pokers, those would work too.”

Sparky Four just kept staring, so Dean took the opportunity to go into detail on how to identify ghosts, and the ingredients needed for a hexbag.

_ This Zanna shit is so easy. _

**##ZannaDon’t##**

Hours later found the four fill-in Zannas gathered around the war room table, beers firmly in hand.

Sam tossed his antlers on the table and scrubbed a hand through his hair. "That last one was a nightmare."

Dean barked out a laugh as he stripped off the rainbow, sparkle plaid shirt he was wearing, temporarily shirtless as he grabbed a t-shirt. “They’re just kids, man. How bad could they be?”

Sam glanced at Cas, and he in turn looked at Eileen, purposefully glancing away from the exposed freckled skin. "They have no filters or sense of decorum. They're dirty and unrepentant about it. They are scary, Dean."

“So am I, haven’t heard you complain,” Dean said with a salacious wink before taking a long swig from his beer.

Cas scowled and pointedly ignored his boyfriend. "How was your experience, Eileen?"

Eileen shrugged as she signed. “I’m probably gonna have some bruises tomorrow. One of my kids had a hell of a right hook.”

Cas heard Sam sputter, but ask, "Are you injured?"

Eileen waved him off. “You worry too much. I was teaching him to spar.”

That was met with an impressed sounding scoff from Dean, before he held his hand up for a high five from Eileen. Which she granted.

Exchanging a suffering look with Sam, Cas sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. "Please tell me you did not teach children hand-to-hand combat, Dean."

“Shit, if only I’d thought of it, maybe I would've gotten more than two words out of ‘em,” Dean said with a chuckle as he finished off his beer and grabbed Cas’s to take a swig from his.

Sam snorted. "How many kids did you traumatize, Dean?"

“Hey,” he barked as he moved to sit next to Cas, “whaddya take me for? I’m protecting them from the real scary, traumatic shit. And did I get a single thank you?”

"They're kids, Dean. What are they supposed to thank you for? And what the hell did you need to protect them from?"

Dean shrugged as he leaned back and kicked one of his legs over Cas’s lap. “Most of what they were scared of was crap that didn’t live under beds or in closets, so I taught ‘em what would, and how to kill it. They’re safer now.”

It was very rare that Castiel saw Sam speechless, but there he sat, mouth gaping open. 

Before anyone could respond, Sully appeared right behind Eileen, which prompted her to flip around and deck the Zanna dead in the face. Apparently Zanna needed a deaf culture education. “Ow!” Sully whined, as he grasped his nose and backed away.

“I’m sorry,” Eileen said as she signed, reaching her hands out in apology.

“It’s…” Sully tried to laugh, but the tears in his eyes were indicative of the pain he was in. “It’s fine.”

Cas wasn't sure if he could heal Zanna, but he was feeling just petty enough to not offer to try. "You shouldn't sneak up on deaf persons. Especially not ones who are hunters. You're very fortunate Eileen 'pulled her punch.'"

Sully laughed nervously and stepped away. “I’m sorry. I… I just wanted to thank you for your help. And, uh… we have a gift, for the Zanna who helps the most children this time of year. And, um… It’s one of you.”

A series of eyebrows quirked, as the four of them looked at each other. There was a new air of competition building.

"Well, we all know it's not Dean," started Sam. "He's a disaster. My money's on Eileen."

Eileen smirked as she signed and said, “What counts as helping these kids? Didn’t we all have the same amount of children to help?”

Sully nodded. “Oh, yes, it’s children who… we refer to as graduates. When a child no longer needs us, need a Zanna, like when you didn’t need me anymore, Sam. You graduated.”

Squinting, Sam nodded, but Cas could tell he was still slightly confused. "So what you're saying is that one of us actually aided children in no longer needing imaginary friends?" Castiel queried. "Doesn't that negate your purpose?"

“Goodness no. Our purpose is, and will always be to help children until they no longer need us. And after a certain age, our presence in a child’s life is no longer whimsical.” Sully smiled. “We had record graduations tonight. And at record ages. We’ve never had a six year old graduate before.”

Cas thought back to the children he had visited. None of them were six years old. And from Sam's recounting, he did not have a good experience with his charges. That left Eileen.

"Congratulations, Eileen. You're a wonderful role model," Cas signed as he spoke aloud for the benefit of the others.

Sully shrank in on himself as he said, “Actually…” In that moment, a pie appeared in Sully’s hand. He approached Dean and continued, “Dean. You’re, uh… you’re our most successful Zanna this year. So, your gift is a bottomless pie. It’ll never empty.”

Dean’s eyes lit up as he approached. He grabbed the pie and was about to ask…

“Yes, it’s cherry,” Sully answered before he clapped a hand on Dean’s shoulder and disappeared before their very eyes.

That was when Dean turned to them all with an infuriating smirk. “Guess who’s the best Zanna?” 

Sam exploded out of his chair, hitting his knee on the corner of the table. "You've got to be shitting me! There's no way you're better at this than the three of us!"

Dean poked his finger into the center of the pie and and pulled it out, licking his finger clean before he said, “Pie don’t lie.”

"Pie does not speak, Dean. It is incapable of lying, as it's an inanimate object," Cas glared. "Stop being insufferable."

“Love you too, Babe,” Dean returned with an air kiss.

Cas huffed out a sigh. "I love you, as well, but good boys don't gloat."

Both Eileen and Sam shared a groan, whereas Dean just winked.

Cas stood up and approached his hunter. Slowly reaching toward the pie, he stared lovingly into Dean's eyes… and smashed the pie up into his face.

Dean slowly pulled the pie down, face now covered in cherry syrup, and chunks of cherry and pastry. He slowly licked his lips as chunks of it fell off. Dean wiped his eyes and blinked them open. He shrugged and said, “Joke’s on you. Bottomless.”

Cas leaned in and licked a stripe up Dean's cheek to his ear, and whispered, "I'd like to test that."

**The End**


End file.
